When Trauma Fuels Suicidal Thoughts: How Parents Can Respond with the TENDER Approach

Dana Bowling
Sep 25
3 min read

Suicidal thoughts and behaviors are heartbreaking realities that too many children and teens face. For parents, it can feel overwhelming, frightening, and even paralyzing when your child expresses hopelessness or talks about wanting to end their life.

One of the strongest predictors for suicidal thinking is a history of trauma. Whether it’s abuse, neglect, loss, exposure to violence, or instability in early relationships, trauma leaves deep emotional wounds. These wounds often carry feelings of shame, worthlessness, and despair.

Children who have experienced trauma may also struggle with:

Difficulty regulating emotions — they may swing from anger to sadness quickly.

Negative core beliefs — “I don’t matter,” “I’m a burden,” or “No one would care if I was gone.”

Isolation — trauma can leave them feeling different from their peers, or like no one understands.

Hopelessness — they may not believe healing or change is possible.

When you combine these struggles with everyday stressors (school pressure, friendships, family dynamics), the weight can feel unbearable to them. This is why a trauma-informed lens is critical for parents navigating conversations about suicide.

The TENDER Approach to Supporting Your Child

As a parent, you can’t erase your child’s pain—but you can be a safe, consistent, and compassionate presence. One framework I encourage parents to use is the TENDER approach. Each letter represents a way to respond when your child is hurting or at risk.

T – Talk openly

Don’t shy away from the word suicide. Asking about suicidal thoughts doesn’t put the idea in your child’s head—it gives them permission to speak honestly. Say things like:

“I’ve noticed you’ve been hurting. Have you had thoughts of wanting to die?”
“I want to understand what you’re going through. You don’t have to carry this alone.”

E – Empathize

Meet their pain with compassion, not quick fixes. Instead of saying “Don’t think that way,” try:

“I can see how much you’re hurting.”
“That sounds really heavy. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way.”
Empathy creates connection and reminds them they’re not alone.

N – Normalize the impact of trauma

Help your child understand that their reactions make sense given what they’ve lived through. Trauma affects how the brain and body respond to stress. Normalizing doesn’t mean minimizing—it means helping them realize they aren’t “broken” or “crazy.”

D – Develop safety

If suicidal thoughts are present, create a concrete plan:

Remove or secure dangerous items (medications, weapons).
Identify safe people your child can call when they’re in crisis.
Have crisis numbers saved in phones and posted at home (e.g., 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline in the U.S.).
Safety plans remind your child they have options other than acting on the urge.

E – Encourage professional help

Parents provide love but healing trauma and managing suicidal thoughts often require professional support. Encourage counseling, trauma-informed therapy, or psychiatric care. Tell your child:

“Talking to someone trained to help could give you more tools to handle this pain.”
“We’ll walk through this together—you won’t be doing it alone.”

R – Reassure hope

Children in deep pain often cannot imagine that things will ever get better. You can gently hold hope for them until they can hold it themselves. Remind them:

Healing is possible.
Their life has value and purpose.
They are deeply loved.

A Final Word to Parents

If your child is expressing suicidal thoughts, it doesn’t mean you’ve failed—it means they’re in pain and need help. Trauma makes the climb steeper, but with compassionate support, safety, and professional care, healing is possible.

You are not alone in this journey. And neither is your child.